some of us have 87 cents. hey, ray. so, ray, you feel like a winner? not really. sit down, ray, over here, by my good ear. tinnitus. what? [coughs] [coughs] come on, guys. this is how the ebola virus started. ante up, seven-card, no peeky. isn't this great? my kid and my pals bonding over a real man's game. no peeky. so, ray, still doing that sportswriting thing? yeah. tell them about all the awards you won this year. all right. come on, dad. awards! wow! who would have made that bet, huh? what? nothing personal,

but you had the biggest head i'd ever seen on a kid. it was huge! freakish. we used to get calls from the circus. all right. are we gonna play cards, or are we gonna make fun of me all night? don't worry, kid. we got plenty of time for both. [hacking cough] [hacking cough] ladies and gentlemen, the phlegmtones. i'll, uh... i'll make a bet that's as big as my head. what are you doing, dad? i'm stacking your chips. stack your own chips, dad. all 3 of 'em. you're bluffing, raymond. i call.

you call? you better call a doctor. full house: queens over 8s. sorry, guys. i'm in the zone. you're not supposed to win all the money. yeah, well, perhaps i have an unfair advantage. all night, i've been able to read the reflection of your cards off your shiny noggins. hey, hey, a little respect. don't worry. the kid's done winning. it's time for a man's game. five-card draw. no draw. that means you play the five cards you're dealt. yeah, i figured it out. anybody got any antacid or bicarbonate of soda? no. no. no. in that case, i fold. i'll open. take it easy. dad, you don't tell your pals to take it easy.

they're not my son. i'm not your son here either, dad-- frank. we're equals. i know what i'm doing. i'm out. i'm out. what, are you showing off? this is just like when you were a kid. you'd shove the cocoa puffs up your nose. i raise you 50. i was 6 then, and they smelled good. i see you 50, and i raise you 50. i told you, don't put the cocoa puffs up your nose. so what do you do? you shove 25 of them up there. we had to go to the hospital. i see you... and i raise you. well, dad, whatever you spent at the hospital that night, here's your chance to make it all back.

holy crap! holy crap! [clattering] hi, honey. what's going on? why are you home so late? 'cause i...i won a lot of money. ohh... that's good. then i lost some. how much? oh, no, go to sleep. go to sleep. well, how much? not enough to lose sleep over. come on, just tell me. sleep. ray! all right, don't sleep, but you're gonna be cranky tomorrow.

did you lose more than $50? yeah. you didn't lose $100, did you? noooo. hundreds. how many hundreds? [answer muffled] what? [answer muffled] what? road 'n' frick. ray, how many hundreds? 23. [gasps] to my dad. you lost $2,300 to your father? relax, all right? we're gonna get the money back. how? when he dies. ohh...

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it's upside down. oh, sorry. (woman vo) it takes him places he's always wanted to go. that's why we bought a subaru. (announcer) love. it's what makes a subaru, a subaru. i can't believe you lost all that money! look, it's my dad's fault. he kept telling me to fold like i was a little kid. oh. so you showed him by losing all your money to him. that's right. i'm my own man. ray, you know, in case you haven't noticed, we have three kids to put through college. well, maybe we'll get lucky and they won't be college material. you know, i thought we were saving to buy a bigger house so we could move away from... this neighborhood. look, you think i wanted to lose that much money? i know it was wrong, but you gotta know i had a very good reason.

you had a very good reason. it's like when your father tells you not to put cocoa puffs up your nose. oh, not the cocoa puff story again. what's the first thing you want to do? put cocoa puffs up your nose. so now you're... cuckoo. don't you see? it's the same thing as 30 years ago. he kept telling me to stop betting, so the first thing-- all right, i get it. good. ok, good. i feel better. all right. let's just forget about this whole thing and get some sleep. just...forget about $2,300. ok, you want to beat it into the ground. i'm just-- i'm thankful that you lost it to your father. why? 'cause you can go over there and ask for it back. i can't do that. why? i'm not a child. oh, no, you're a mature adult who lost $2,300 because his daddy told him not to.

all right, i am a child. but...if i go back and ask for the money back, then i'm a baby. i don't want to be a baby. quit pushing! marie: go ahead. do it. i'm not giving ray's check back. i won it fair and square. if you don't give ray his money, you're not the man i married. i win again. i can't take the money back, ma. yes, you can. frank, please. forget it. i want to teach him a lesson. don't get in over your head. play with fire, you're gonna get burned. and most importantly... thank you. come again. i can't believe what i'm hearing! you would actually deprive your own flesh and blood of money he needs to feed his family? we're ok, ma.

look how they live over here, frank -- the want. what's going on over here? nothing. what are you doing here? i'm a policeman. i come home at 3 a.m. no mom, no dad, no sandwich. i start to worry. oh, robbie, it's the worst. i've never been so upset in my life. don't tell him. he's a cop. tell me what? nothing. ray and frank played poker tonight, and ray lost $2,300 to your father. why don't you tell him i cry during sex? oh... you played for... real money? you--you broke the law? we gambled. nobody got hurt. i see. so it's not against the law unless somebody gets hurt.

interesting. robert, want some ice cream? no, no. can't stay. gotta go tell the pushers... and the muggers and the ladies of the evening that it's not against the law unless somebody gets hurt. mio famiglia. [speaking italian] hello, sweetheart. hi, grandma. what are you doing? we're frosting cupcakes. oh, how nice. frosting from a can. so much easier than homemade. what can i do for you, marie? darling, will you go wash your face for grandma, huh? that's a good girl. thanks. this is for you. ahh. but i thought frank said-- no, he doesn't know anything about that.

this is my money. you have money? oh... my father, oh, such a wise man, on my wedding day, he took me aside, gave me $200, and said "here. this is if you ever come to your senses and leave frank." wow. my dad only gave me 50. so for 45 years now i've been adding to it little by little. i mean, who knows how long my marriage will last, right? money is freedom. so how free are you? $46,000. what? ahh. yup. just--it's our secret, now. oh, hi. hi. hi, ma. hi, dear. how are you doing? fine. fine. ok, debra, give mom the money back. how did you know? come on, look at you two. when was the last time you two were smiling together?

exactly. now, give it back to her. oh, ray, please. no, no, ma, no. get out of here. no. go. look, if you take-- don't make me turn the hose on ya. ma... thanks. you're welcome, you stubborn ass. you were going to keep that money, weren't you? oh, ray, if it wasn't for you and your stupid pride trying to outdo your dad, you never would have lost that money in the first place. wrong, all right? i happen to stink at poker, and i would have lost the money anyway. that's how much you know. you're not talking to me? nope. i just keep winning.

oh, hi, ray. look what i found in ally's piggy bank-- $2,300. oh. isn't she thrifty? come on, ma, huh? i'll tell you, it wasn't easy trying to wrestle it out of her hands. what did you do? i gave him $2,300. we're not keeping his money. where did you get $2,300? never mind. i don't want it, ma. all right, freeze. robbie, shouldn't you be at work? oh, i'm at work right now. i heard the whole thing. this could get ugly, mom. i'm going to have to ask you to leave. you're telling me to leave my own kitchen? now! please? look what you've done to my boys! all right, you guys, sit down. right now. the boy of yous. let's go. right here.

you guys want a cup of coffee? ok. well, we'll just see how it goes. now, let's get one thing straight, ok? the both of you broke the law, the law that i swore to uphold. now, the only thing that could alter that fact is if no money changed hands on the night in question at one nemo's pizzeria... and homemade specialties. this is between me and dad, robert. that's right. we're perfectly fine. everything's perfectly fine, huh? you don't think i know that you're the tip of the iceberg? you're going down, pops. and when you do, you're going to bring down eddie and stan and that divorced garvin. robert, you're not going to do anything. oh, i'm not going to do anything, huh? you want to try me? come on! listen, kid, i understand what you're going through. it's--it's not your fault 'cause you got mixed up with a...bad element.

what are you doing? well, good cop/bad cop. it's just taking me a little longer 'cause there's only one of me. i know why you're doing this. it's because we didn't invite you to play. no, no. my second-rate status in this family has no bearing on my professional responsibilities. there's another game next week. too late. enough already. look, i'm leaving, all right? for the last time, i'm not taking the money. i lost it, that's all. i'm a big boy. all right, if i take the money, what kind of message does that send to my kids? that no matter what happens, you can just go to your father and he'll make everything ok? you're right. you're right.

what? what am i right about? you should be able to go to your father and he should be able to make it ok. here, be a good father, bighead. dad... thanks. thanks, dad. what's the matter with you? i'm just glad it all worked out. i didn't want to have to cuff you guys. i'm glad, too. and, uh, it might have worked out very well. hey! that's still my money.

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clorox [grumbling]g wipes. they're killing us. where's the escape hatch? i just don't know. it's like playing the globetrotters. i'm waiting for meadowlark to pull my pants down. kevin: hey, guys, come on, come on. hey, uh, no drinks. let's go, come on, sit down. why don't we--come on, grab some pine. come on. shake it up! come on! you guys... blow. how could we be losing to bed, bath, and beyond? they shouldn't even be in the pizza league! i'll tell you, if we don't pick it up in the second half, it' arrivederci playoffs. hey, kevin, know what i'd love to try once? getting into a game. hey, you know what we gotta do, kevin? we gotta go to a zone. no, no, no, no. kevin, you'll like the zone. you will not have to run, hmm? no. no zone. no zone. as long as i'm nemo's captain, what i say goes.

that's right. he's right. we need a new captain. who wants the job? hey, i do! [grumbling] all right, all right! fine, fine. good luck finding someone with my leadership abilities, my patience, my people skills, you candy-ass morons. hey, how about ray as captain? yeah, ray, ray, raygella. sure. everyone: yeah, ray, ray. all right, sure, sure. hey, i'll do it. i'd like to give it a shot. i think i can do it. why don't we open it up to a little discussion? ok. how about robert? yes, robert! he's tall! what about discussing it? you--you guys really want me? sure, you're tall! look how frigging tall you are! so robert it is. robert, you sure you're up to this? cause i, you know, i'll do it. if you don't want it, i'll do it. come on, ray, share his joy. all right. no, robert's one way to go. if you wanna go with robert...

obviously we all wanna go with robert, ok. [buzzer] second half. what's the line-up, captain? everyone: robert! robert! robert! robert! robert! robert! all right, all right, all right, ok! starting the second half-- it's gonna be me, you, you, you... and you. yeah! everyone: yay! let's go! all right! ho, ho, whoa, what about me? how could i not start the second half? i don't wanna be accused of nepotism. catch the fever!

i'she just shopped at giant. she's got a receipt. we're gonna shop for the same items and see the difference. let's shop! kids get the after- school munchies? absolutely. even with your bonus card, you saved over a buck here at walmart. yes! here at walmart you save over $2 on capri suns. wow! that's amazing. here at walmart you saved over $1.20 on cereal. that's good stuff! o.k. big moment. same items at walmart... $91.56. that's a savings of over $15 or 14%! yes! bring your last grocery receipt to walmart and compare prices. you'll see for yourself. hi. listen, ray just got home. yeah, that'll be great, shelley. thanks. ok, bye. listen, shelley's having a birthday party for sam saturday at the happy zone. we're all invited. oh, that's great. the happy zone. what's the matter, honey? did you lose? no, we won. i see. and you're sad for the other team?

i didn't play the whole second half. robert got elected captain and he didn't put me in. that's great. what's great? well, you know, that robert gets to be captain. and listen, if he doesn't play you then maybe you won't have to go so much, and you can spend some more time with us. see, it's good news. it's all good news for me. what's the matter? don't you wanna spend more time with us? i do. you know i do. aren't you happy that robert got elected captain? yes, i'm--i'm happy. everything's working out great for me. oh, my god. you want to be captain. you want to be captain! no, i don't! yes, you do! i do not. look at you. i don't want to be captain. it's a stupid pizza league. those guys-- those guys don't have a life. i have a big life. you really want this bad, don't you?

no. no, i have you. i have you, i have ally, i have michael, geoffrey. that's everybody, right? yeah, should be. listen, ray, you know, i don't get this. i mean, you work all the time and you have to go on road trips and when you come back, you run off and play. and now you gotta be captain. listen, i've been playing with these guys since high school, and we've never come close to winning a championship. this time we're close. and if i can be captain, i know we can-- we can go all the way. and winning is more important than spending time with your family? apples and oranges. than spending time no, no, no, ray.? apples or oranges. you know, i gave up some stuff when we had kids. i know. did it have to be sex?

listen, i'm just trying to do it all, that's all. ok, you go ahead and try to do it all. i just think that you're choosing quantity over quality. myself, obviously representing quality. well, quality is job one. that's right. ok, quality, you know what? robert doesn't want to play me and they don't want me as captain, then who needs them? i can't get out of tomorrow's game, but i'm going to blow off saturday's. ohh. that's right. take me to the happy zone. let me at that whack-a-mole. [knock on door] hey, there he is, there he is. come on, come on. ray, that was a great thing you did. not lock the door? you stepped aside and let your brother be captain. look at him-- captain robert barone. dad, don't call me that. i'm the same robert i've always been. hey, congratulations, robert. we're really happy for you.

isn't that right, ray? i share his joy. come on, come on, come on. get up. come on, come on. the barone boys, continuing a long legacy of athletic excellence. well, i couldn't have done it without ray. well, always glad to help. hey, no fatty foods! we got games tomorrow and saturday. i want the team to be lean and mean, not soft and gushy. don't touch my gush. let's hear it for my first born. a leader of men. and my second son... a loyal follower. kevin: yeah! whoo hoo hoo! yeah! oh, my god. you were in there. andy: did you see me jam? believe me, that was a jam.

gentlemen. gentlemen. that was a disgrace. i'm embarrassed to be in the same children's locker room with you. robert, we won. yeah, we were lucky. i consider this a moral defeat. and i'll tell you something else. nemo's pizzeria should've destroyed wo hop's chinese takeout. whoa, robert, just take it easy, all right? yeah, calm down, paul bunyan. hey, smokestack? dave: hmm? come here. come here, come here. yeah. give me that, heh? wanna see what i think of your lung rocket? look at that, huh? ooh, look what he did to my cigarette. you ain't smoking now, are you, chum? he's a maniac! you ought to see him with a birthday cake. ok, that's enough out of you, too, raymond. i didn't see you helping out there tonight. well, i only played for two minutes. yeah, and we won. everyone: ooh. hey, robert, you know, i come here to play, ok? i got three kids.